18 Unconventional Ways To Streamline Your Morning Like Elon Musk
You probably don’t need me to tell you that Elon Musk is a busy man. But while we often marvel at Musk’s accomplishments as he zips from planet to planet and state to state, the truth is, he might not be so busy after all. It’s just that he’s managed to learn how to do “more” in the same amount of time that the rest of us mere mortals need to get stuff done. Like many of history’s greatest minds, Elon packs in a ton of productivity into his days without feeling the need to sacrifice any amount of sleep.
Here’s how you can do the same.
1. Shit In The Shower
Elon is known to let one loose in the morning. But with a schedule like his, who has time to walk to the toilet? Instead, he takes care of business immediately after waking up by releasing a Calvin’s worth of waste into the porcelain palaces. This is a helpful trick for those lazy Sunday mornings when you just don’t feel like leaving your bed at all.
2. Leave Your Car Running Overnight And Sleep In The Boot To Beat The Morning Rush
Elon allegedly does this too. If he starts his day by rolling out of boot and into his car, he’ll avoid the rush to get to the parking lot and into the Tesla production line. Each additional minute of shut-eye can be worth an additional $100 million. Elon’s approach is different than what you’ll find in a lot of self-help books. His ideology is a simple one, “Addition Through Subtraction.”
Most people try to improve their lives by doing more of the same. Not Elon. He gains multi-millions by cutting out morning commute, saving time in line for coffee and avoiding small-talk at the office. If that requires rolling around in his own shit, so be it.
3. Hire A Secretary To Pre-Chew Your Breakfast For You
Elon is a busy guy. In addition to his futuristic endeavors at Space-X and Tesla, he’s focused on some more earthbound projects like building automatic robot factories and $5 billion dollar batteries. The man doesn’t have time to properly chew his food and enjoy the taste of a fine Danish. So what does he do? He hires a full-time secretary to take care of it for him. If you’ve got enough money, you can delegate the things you don’t want to do to people that are willing to do them instead. You just need to find the right person and the right price.
5. Eat Books To Absorb Their Knowledge Directly Instead Of Reading Them
Elon is a busy guy. He doesn’t have time to read books. So what does he do? He eats them and absorbs their knowledge directly through his mouth. This allows him to learn at a cramming-at-school speed without needing to actually hit the books (or in this case, eat the books).
If you’re an entrepreneur like Elon, time is money. You can’t slow down to read a bunch of words when you’ve got important business to take care of. But you may still need to know a little something about everything. This is where eating books comes in handy. You can consume encyclopedias, comprehension tests, math textbooks, the whole library if you have enough stomach for it.
6. Use Marie Kondo Surgery And Remove Any Organs That Don’t Spark Joy
Elon had a lot of body parts removed during a visit to Marie Kondo, the famous clutter-clearer. Specifically, it’s believed that he had 46 ribs removed. This saved him from having to deal with back pain and made him more aerodynamic. This means each breath you take fills your body with exhilaration as if you were skydiving!
But why stop at 46? Why not have all the ribs removed? Elon plans to do just that. Since he owns the company, he’s going to perform the surgery himself using only a butter knife and some pliers.
You may be wondering what organs you should have removed, too. And that’s a great question! It really depends on what your goals are. If you want to live longer, shed a few pounds, feel lighter on your feet and have a smaller coffin, then maybe it’s time to declutter.
7. Speak Only In Acronyms To Improve Your Communication Efficiency
Elon wants the best for you, so he’s cut out all the useless parts of language, such as vowels, and made it more like a machine. “I’ll hAGGHdge tGE;TATcGmmfO,” he’ll say, which means: “I’ll have to get back to you on that tomorrow.”
Acronyms save time, provide clarity and bypass all the unnecessary “unnecessary emotions, accents and telltale stutters” of the English language. If you want to learn how to speak like a machine, just listen to how Elon talks.
8. Outsource Boring Clerical Work To A Sentient Ant Colony
Elon was fascinated by ant colonies. He was especially interested in how they could build intricate mazes and bridges without ever needing a blueprint. They just do it! To cut down on the massive head aches and to save time, he hired a network of sentient ant colonies to take care of his company’s clerical matters. He equipped these ant colonies with tiny keyboards and #2 pencils.
Elon’s offices are a bit different than yours or mine. He doesn’t let any humans inside. Why would he? They’d just slow the place down. Instead, his human employees communicate with their ant colony clerks through a proprietary chat program. It’s much more efficient this way. If you’re ever feeling overwhelmed by your duties, why not outsource them to an ant colony?
9. Grow A Hydroponic Garden In A Small Hollow Cavity In Your Chest For Quick Salads
Elon is huge on hydroponic gardens. He’s got them all over the place for convenient access to fresh food whenever he wants it. But he doesn’t have time to grow all of his own food — there’s important business to take care of! So instead, he pours terra preta in his torso and fills the hole with dirt. Each time he wants a salad, he grows one in his chest.
10. In Meetings, Try And Predict What People Will Say Before They Say It
People love it when you interrupt them with your best guess of what they’re about to say next, and when you’re accurate, you’ll earn their respect with your clairvoyance! If you make a habit of doing this in every day conversation, you’ll find yourself dominating conversations and people will flock to your side like moths to a flame. Or maybe that’s just me. In any case, this is a great way to convince people that you’re some kind of business psychic and they should let you handle things from here on out.
11. Reroute Your Intestines Back Into Your Stomach For Cyclical Digestion
Elon is ruthlessly efficient. He doesn’t have time to sit around and digest his food like an average consumer. He’s got companies to run! Why let all that nutrition go to waste? No, the solution is to divert your digested nutrients back into your stomach where it can then be cycled back for another round of digestion.
12. Regularly Induce Clinical Death To Network With Arch-Angels
Networking pays. Studies found that employees who consistently made efforts to network with other industry professionals both advanced further in their career and reported higher job satisfaction. This was especially true with people switching to new careers. So why not get a head-start in climbing the afterlife’s corporate ladder by hobnobbing in the heavenly realm and brown-nosing with Saint Benedict? Just stop your heart for a few minutes for a power-brunch with Buddha.
18. Apply The 80/20 Rule To Numbers
When’s the last time you used the number 783? Never, right? The dirty little secret mathematicians don’t want you to know is most numbers are never used at all. You’ll want to keep a few integers on hand, but all the long decimals in between? Chuck them to expedite your workflow and stay focused on important numbers like 1, 20, and 0. The potential savings are infinite. Tesla beats the numbers in their earnings report…by skipping over most of them. You can too! If you can’t bear to part with your beloved floating-points, here’s a quick tip: start by tossing any non-primes. If you ever happen to need one, just multiply two primes together. It’s the rational thing to do.
