Xi Jinping gets splashed: “those fucks are never going to see it coming”

BEIJING (Reuters, 3 Oct) —Reports have come in from Beijing where witnesses claimed to have seen Xi Jinping, President of China, making shocking statements concerning matters of Chinese state security, after becoming intoxicated in an unnamed karaoke bar.

Most recordings provided consist of unintelligible murmuring, but our audio analysis correspondent said that after processing and reconstruction, he was able to distinguish short phrases such as “a new October”, “bathe in blood”, “can’t put up with this fake-ass capitalist shit anymore”, and “I’m going to nationalize Huawei tomorrow”.